These dark days are ruling everything.  

I haven't been sleeping.  I haven't eaten since sunday.
I'll be better soon

I took a time out for a while. I've been all over California on tour busses, cars, road, hotel rooms, sleeping on floors, staying with strangers and seeing old faces. There's been a lot of ignorant times.

Don't really have friends anymore, but plenty of people to hangout with and couches to sleep on.  It doesn't bother me.

Sometimes I think I'm losing my mind, there's a war inside this head I'm living in.

I live in miles and on couches of circumstance. sleep in beds of regret. I wash to white in gas station bathroom sinks. I guess it's funny.

I hope they add that I died slow. I've been dying for the last 19 years. Say it ain't so. I'm finally swallowed alive.

I am vile. I am wretched. There is no home.

I swear it was truth

life in filth. I am vile. I am confused.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Beds

Tangible: It's funny how loneliness can bring you to strange beds.
Social: Arrangements like this, have me anti social. I don't understand the silly ways. I can't laugh at sour jokes. Staring at blank walls.
Alone: The road, coffee, the rain.
At last.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

I've never felt closer to God.

And on it goes.

Last night I dreamt
That somebody loved me
No hope, no harm
Just another false alarm

Last night I felt
Real arms around me
No hope, no harm
Just another false alarm

So, tell me how long
Before the last one ?
And tell me how long
Before the right one ?

The story is old - I know
But it goes on
The story is old - I know
But it goes on

Oh, GOES ON
And on
Oh, goes on
And on

.

Life in chaos 

Things have been really really great.  I'll leave it at that. 

This weekend I'm going to Bass Lake and getting a room in a resort, and spending the next day hiking in Yosemite.  

I went and saw Ceremony, 7 seconds, Circle Jerks, and Municipal Waste last weekend.  Ended up on stage for "boner city" for Municipal Waste singing and dancing in front of the 700 people that were there in a dress.  Got entirely too drunk.  Left show covered in blood that was and wasn't mine and it spit that wasn't mine.  Animals.  Heard I hit myself in the face until I bled and told people I had a lot to work out with myself.  The drunk punks I drove there ended up driving me three hours home.   I  laughed at a woman with a mustache until trouble broke loose.  Hungout with Mike Woods and other friends from out of town who made the trek to Pomona for the show.  It was a weird night, but a good one.

Our morning started off with Omar finding this.  

I haven't been sleeping well lately though.  I wish I could turn my brain off at night. School is almost out! 

 I'm so looking forward to seeing Black Breath, Converge, Coalesce, Gaza, in San Luis.  Spent so much time over there this summer.  I'll also be in Fresno this month to see my friends on tour.  I'm also seeing Positive Peter this month also, probably during a 4 am meet up since he's on tour, but I'll be away and not able to attend any fest he's playing.  In June I'll be in Fresno also to see Henry Rollins.  I might end up going to all of his California dates, or at least a couple/few.  It just depends on timing. A Place To Bury Strangers is playing in Visalia, CA at the Cellar Door, I'll be in attendance with Zachariah and Scotty I think.  Quentin Tarantino also owns a movie theatre in Los Angeles.  They're doing a midnight screening of Pulp Fiction that I'm going to get tickets and go to.  In July I'll be hopping on Warped Tour and hopefully seeing lots of my friends.  I just want to meet Andrew WK and make sure I get proper showers on Warped, and manage to not get sun burned.  I'm not sure how long I'll stay on Warped, I haven't decided yet. I'm sure I'll be around other cities as well this summer.  

Today I'm seeing Zoey for the first time in ages!  I miss her so so much.  Mentoring is going great.  Zachariah and I saw the crazies and almost died because real life crazies came out late at night.  Classes are winding down and I can't wait to be finished finally.  Work is going great, I really have great coworkers.  Today is day six of my fast.  Friday is a show here and I can't wait to see my friends, and Saturday I'll be in Pomona seeing Ceremony, Municipal Waste, 7 Seconds, Circle Jerks.   I've lost ten pounds.

I still have to laugh at all the people who haven't surprised me, or have surprised me lately.  It's all one big joke, even if I'm the only one laughing.  It makes me hate people.

I went running today.  It was a stupid idea.  I woke up feeling like I was dying this morning.   I don't know why I decided to work out on top of this. I'm thinking about extending my cleanse/fast period to see how many days I can mentally hold without eating.  Tomorrow is day number five.  This is all about mind over matter and living pure.


All those people were held away from me, and now when I'm down and so so out, I'm facing it on my own. I wasn't ready to be fed back to the hounds.  I just wanted a safe place.

It’s fucking killing me to watch you turn away from everything you loved, from everyone you loved. Hiding your misery, trying to forget what you lost. Pushing back the tears in your eyes. You never said goodbye. What’s left for me to hold onto when I hate this city without you. You left behind everything that meant something real to you. Because you’re feeling alone. And you can’t live with the pain. Trying to let go of your regrets, but your making the same mistakes. This is the city that drowned you in misery. And it washed your heart away with the rain.
I’ve tried to let go, held my breath for the weather to change. But warmer nights never fucking came. I can’t take these moments back, fought so hard to change your mind. I’m sorry, I’m sorry it wasn’t enough for you. You’re running away from every mistake and every promise you’ve ever made. You’re forgetting what you loved. Never forget what you loved.

Today will be the fourth day of consuming nothing.  I woke up this morning so sick.  I feel like dying.  

It's all mind over matter.  I guess this gives me something to keep busy with.